I really don't know where to start.
I am at a loss for words. Don't laugh it happens to even the best of us.
I am spending this week digging into my young life. Trying to find some click to my relationship with food.
Next week I am spending time looking at my teen life and young adult life.
Some may think I am crazy putting this all out on a blog for the world to see. I say it is the only way I can be honest with myself. That may seem weird to say, but I tend to sugar coat things in life and let mishaps slide off my shoulder, it takes a lot to upset me. I tend to look at the good in everything and not at the hurtful or indifferent issues in life.
I don't want to put up a battered child, feel sorry for me monologue. I want no one else to be hurt by my writings, but I need to be honest about my past so I can fix the future. I won't do that by keeping a journal or diary of thoughts. I will when I am held accountable by my writings and knowing that those who know me and have known me in my life can discern reality versus my perception.
It is going to be difficult to put all of this out there.
Everyone has had bad experiences in their lives.
I don't want this to be a pity party and I especially don't want to hurt my family, Mom and Dad, when it comes to my revelations and mental digging into my past, but at the same time I want to be honest FOR myself.
My Momma, who is a brilliant woman and has the kindest, sweetest heart says to me on a regular basis that the past is the past. She says I have to stop dwelling on all of the bad things that happened to me in my life. I agree. However, this is not dwelling. What you will read over the next couple of weeks is interpreting my past, trying to understand my past.
I want you to know, that my past is a blur to me. I remember little of my childhood and less of my teen-hood. This is a problem for me.
I say, I have friends who hold dear memories of their child hood and friends and family. I wish I had those, but I am not bitter, I am not dwelling and I won’t be dwelling in the upcoming posts. I will be digging. I will be telling my story. I want to correlate my relationship with food in a way that I might realize why I am the way I am.
Here is a quote from a dear friend of mine. I think it is important for all of us to realize that we each have our on vices. Mine is food and compulsion. Someone else’s my be alcohol. Another’s may be confidence and self worth. Here is how my friend put it.
For me, food has never been a problem issue. But, there is no man who doesn't have some issue, whether he realizes it or admits it or not, that is comparable for them what the food issue is for you. What's one man's food issue, is another man's obsession with gaining people's approval, or another man's struggle with relationship intimacy, or yet another man's drive toward defining himself through monetary success.
I want everyone to understand before I begin this process, that I am not pointing fingers at anyone else for my issues. I am the only one who “allowed” them to happen and I feel I am the only one who can recreate this relationship with food.
Many of you are probably much stronger than I am with your vices. You may have been a smoker, as I was 12 years ago, and stopped cold turkey, as I did. You may have had issues with your appearance that you simply fixed. I am happy and so proud of you for that.
I think I need this investigation. My mind is a knowledge sponge. I have to know the ins and outs of everything.
I am not satisfied with something until I know how it works, what makes it tick. I think that is why I disassembled all of my Christmas presents.
The problem there too was, I didn’t know how to put them back together after I figured out how they worked.
I am going to figure out what makes me tick when it comes to food. I am going to put it back together.
Thanks everyone for your comments and thoughts on my last blog.