I woke this morning at 5:40AM and showered. Put on my cycling gear and packed my swim gear in a bag.
Today is cycling skills and swim taping. Then some great lectures this afternoon.
After I packed I sat on the bed. I looked in the mirror and began to destroy myself. I don’t know how I do this. I was out of my mind excited about this camp. I thought about all of the pro triathletes I would meet, the things I would learn, the skills I would acquire and I was pumped!
There some great people here running this camp. Roch Frey is really cool. He set my bike and I do feel good on it. Heather Fhur is very nice. Paula Newby-Fraser is a spark plug, she is funny. Great group of people here.
Yesterday we did some different tests and heard from Danny, who works with Pros on the running form and in particular orthopedic support. And Roch went over swim technique and a few nice drills for us to work on. I had a great time.
Then this morning happened.
As I sat there looking into that damn mirror, the destruction of all that was good until that moment had begun. I systematically ripped my confidence and motivation apart. I thought about not being able to do these hills people were talking about. I began to see myself in my swim suit and how disgusting I look to myself. I literally pushed myself into a depression in about 10 minutes.
I sat on the bed, took off my sandals and convinced myself to stay in my room.
This camp is not cheap. As a matter of fact, my wife was not thrilled with the cost, but she was excited about the idea so she accepted the cost. Now I have let her and me down. I am still sitting in my room and I am contemplating my choices this morning and what in the world to do next.
I missed the ride and swim taping because of my inferiorities. It is not like this is a camp of hundreds; this is a small group for strong interaction with the coaches. The coaches know I wasn’t there.
ISN’T THIS SICK!!!!! I am angry at myself right now and I am shaking.
I am ashamed now and just want to disappear from this camp.
I will go have lunch next door.
I am so ashamed at myself. Why can I not succeed at this fat thing? Why am I so destructive of myself? Why can I succeed at ANYTHING else in my life and accomplish so much, but fail consistently, time and time again.
I am stronger than this. I am smarter than this. However, I can’t do it.
The destruction continues . . .