Thursday, February 02, 2006

Ashamed . . . Struggling.


Shame

I woke this morning at 5:40AM and showered. Put on my cycling gear and packed my swim gear in a bag.

Today is cycling skills and swim taping. Then some great lectures this afternoon.

After I packed I sat on the bed. I looked in the mirror and began to destroy myself. I don’t know how I do this. I was out of my mind excited about this camp. I thought about all of the pro triathletes I would meet, the things I would learn, the skills I would acquire and I was pumped!

There some great people here running this camp. Roch Frey is really cool. He set my bike and I do feel good on it. Heather Fhur is very nice. Paula Newby-Fraser is a spark plug, she is funny. Great group of people here.

Yesterday we did some different tests and heard from Danny, who works with Pros on the running form and in particular orthopedic support. And Roch went over swim technique and a few nice drills for us to work on. I had a great time.

Then this morning happened.

As I sat there looking into that damn mirror, the destruction of all that was good until that moment had begun. I systematically ripped my confidence and motivation apart. I thought about not being able to do these hills people were talking about. I began to see myself in my swim suit and how disgusting I look to myself. I literally pushed myself into a depression in about 10 minutes.

I sat on the bed, took off my sandals and convinced myself to stay in my room.

This camp is not cheap. As a matter of fact, my wife was not thrilled with the cost, but she was excited about the idea so she accepted the cost. Now I have let her and me down. I am still sitting in my room and I am contemplating my choices this morning and what in the world to do next.

I missed the ride and swim taping because of my inferiorities. It is not like this is a camp of hundreds; this is a small group for strong interaction with the coaches. The coaches know I wasn’t there.

ISN’T THIS SICK!!!!! I am angry at myself right now and I am shaking.

I am ashamed now and just want to disappear from this camp.

I will go have lunch next door.

I am so ashamed at myself. Why can I not succeed at this fat thing? Why am I so destructive of myself? Why can I succeed at ANYTHING else in my life and accomplish so much, but fail consistently, time and time again.

I am stronger than this. I am smarter than this. However, I can’t do it.

The destruction continues . . .

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Get up and do it! Stop listening to you brain and go with your heart. NO excuses!

My Friend said...

Don't give up, Boggs. Did America give up when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? NO! You're the most stubborn sunofabitch I know, so you CAN'T give up. Get back out there and just get it done. Keep thinking to yourself- "It doesn't matter what I think now- Just think how I'll feel when I put it behind me." ....worked for me prior to, and during, my first marathon.

Hang in there, bro. You can do it.

The Dr. said...

You can do it, my friend—you can do it. Look in the mirror and see a beautiful person, created in the image of God. As the old saying goes, “God don’t make no junk.”



Your life is your gift from God. What you make of your life is your gift to God.



Much love

Anonymous said...

I read your blogg and I was mad! You are so much better than you on your shameful day. What you see in the mirror that makes you destroy yourself does not come even close to representing the person you are inside. Don't let that pull you down, because you know that deep inside you can do it all. I think that for you to do well in these next weeks you cannot think you just have to do it! YOU WILL DO IT!
Beijo

Anonymous said...

Chris, you got the spirit, you've got the heart, you've got the ability to do all things! Chris we have faith in you. No matter what, we are all here to support you and love you. No matter what your body size is. So many people who know you want to be you!

Anonymous said...

Life is full of giants. Strongholds overwelhm us and sometimes it seems eaiser to give up to those giants. Sometimes it feels like there is no hope. But giants can be defeated. David faced Golaith, whose name means naked and ashamed. Cast the stone of truth and walk in that truth to cutoff those giants. The truth is .... I am who my Father says I am. What everyone else thinks doesn't matter. God loves you no matter. Love yourself, love God.

Alaskan Metal said...

Chris,
Show them what a 400 pound athelete can do. None of them would even think of doing something like this if they were your size. Be proud!Show those tiny triathelets how it's done. Go have fun. Don't worry about getting the fastest time, just worry about finishing. That's all that matters my friend.
Allred

Anonymous said...

Whoever wrote Gods love note, I was crying when I finshed your letter. It was exactly what I needed because when chris has tears, I have tears.
If we could ever be friends in real life I would love to meet you. I too am BELIEVING GOD and know I am who God says I am, and praying that chris knows who God says he is also.
Amanda

da said...

Son, your peeps all seem to be saying the same thing so just
'get out the way' and get-r-done.
No more thinking for you. I repeat,
NO MORE THINKING FOR YOU. JUST DO IT!!! PLEASE, keep this thought with you: when I teach training classes I always emphasize to my students not to think about "them"
or 'other people'. Those 'other' people are so wrapped up in themselves and their own problems that they really don't have time to make you their focus. You will not be ashamed tomorrow. Too many people are praying for you. love you. da

Anonymous said...

Chris,
I have just spent 25 minutes looking through your blog site. It was very interesting to me. I have known you for wow, 10 years now. That is impressive. I have never known you to not struggle with your weight. I think you wrote some very intuitive things on your last blog. Unfortunately society makes it hard for us to eat healthy portion sizes and healthy food. You are not alone believe me. I have really had to look at my eating habits since finishing playing basketball in college. I have gained some weight myself. I have found success in eating 4-6 small meals a day and then only eating healthy snacks in between. The key is to not have those bad foods in the house. I think you are finally getting serious about your weight and that brings me so much joy. I know you can run much further than I could ever run. I continue to be impressed with all that you do. You are truly an inspiration to everyone around you. That is why it is so important that you get the weight off and keep it off before it is too late. You are truly one of the greatest individuals that I have ever met. Keep up the good work. I expect to see you on the Biggest Loser. I will have all of Cincinnati watching my favorite person in the world. Take care and I will keep tabs on you.

Shannon. Northern Kentucky

Anonymous said...

RT,

I've seen you make your way around the rugby pitch. All I got to say is, prop to prop, quit feeling sorry for yourself, get up off of you ass and do it!! You are one of the most successful & driven people I have ever met. In fact, you have always been a great motivational fuel for me both personally & professionally. This doesn't sound like the confident, almost cocky SOB that I know. When you get done w/your pity party, call me and we can go run. Lord knows my fat ass needs it just as much as you do!

Prop Love,

Ted