Wednesday, April 11, 2007

I suck . . .


Embarrassed


When I left college I was no skinny man. I was about 245lbs. I was in very good shape since I was a student assistant coach for our National Champion Women’s Basketball team at Northern Kentucky University. My job as one of the Assistant Coaches was to let these super human women beat my butt in practice all day long. But it kept me fit.

After leaving college my business took me over and then a few years later the stock market recession of 2001-2002 took me over and before you knew it I was 350lbs. As my business expanded so did my waist . . . and my ass . . . and . . . never mind there is too much to list.

I found triathlon. I trained and did my first tri at 421lbs, which was in 2005. Between 2005 and November 2006 I completed over 25 triathlons. 10 of them being Olympic distance and the rest sprint triathlons. Over that time I went from 427lbs to 358lbs.

I created awesome relationships with awesome individuals, some who are the best at this sport and I couldn’t believe they gave me the time of day. But that to me is what makes this sport unique. The offerings of motivation from so many was spectacular. Not simply words of encouragement but true offerings to help with training, nutrition, etc.

Here is my sadness today. I fell off the wagon Dec 2006. I began to eat horribly again and I stopped training period. I have not put on my running shoes in 5 months. I have ridden my bike . . . MAYBE five times. I haven’t seen the pool. I weigh 446lbs.

I have been lying to myself and to those who have taken time out of their lives to try and help me and I have basically spit in their face with my lack of effort. I am ashamed and embarrassed. I have stopped emailing those who have helped me and I avoid them at all cost. I am ashamed to have them see me and how I look today. I am embarrassed to tell them I have done NOTHING for five months.

It is funny, not in a ha ha way, but in a translucent sick way (funny), that when we fall into a little hole we begin to dig deeper and deeper until it is so hard to get out of the hole that we don’t even try anymore. I am there and have been for a while.

To my friends, Caroline, Timbeaux, Rocketboy . . . I am sorry I have taken you motivation and shat all over it. I am angry at myself for thinking so little of your support and care. I am struggling and I am not sure what is next.

I have an appointment with the gastric-by-pass specialist here in Baton Rouge next week. I am at my wits end. I always said I would never do weight loss surgery. I said it was for weak people. You know what . . . I still think that.

I am registered for 3 races this year. Crawfishman (Olympic tri), Gulf Coast (Half Ironman), and Ironman Florida (full ironman). I am not sure what will become of those races?

I am sorry.

No excuses.

I am just sorry.

I have much love for all you and I will keep you posted as to where I go from here . . .

4 comments:

Timbeaux said...

Chris,

What can you say? You worked your butt off, inspired people you have never met, accomplished things people said you couldn't, set goals that "skinny" people are afraid of, and then you fell off the wagon. So be it. That is not the end of the story, only one chapter.

Now you have decide what you want to do. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks, this is about you and your future.

I think for safety reasons, Gulf Coast is out. But don't give up on the rest of the year. But you have to want to do it, and you have to start now. There are a lot of BRTri folks who are waiting to help you train. Ask and you shall receive.

Your friend,

Timbeaux

Anonymous said...

Chris,
Keep your head up. You are an extremely strong man. You continue to impress me. I don't think you are weak for thinking about gastric bypass surgery. I think there reaches a point that the battle of weight does seem unsurmountable. My mom lost about 150 pounds just with weight watchers. I know you have some really good people helping you. It can be done though. I wish I had some advice for you. Just know you are not the only one struggling with your weight that probably only 1 out of 10 people don't struggle with their weight. America's food industry thrives on us getting fat. That is very unfortunate. Keep your head up buddy. I love you so much. Keep me posted.

Roddy

rocketboy said...

Bro,
You need not be embarrassed. I know not what you are going through. I do know that you can beat it...without surgery. I do not say that to say not to get it. I just know you have done it before. It will be incredibly hard, but is attainable.
I will share this with you as I think it will make sense. After I left the supper studio, I really viewed my life as a series of small failures. Besides my perfect family (they are perfect, not me). I did not view myself or my life as successful. I know I never had truly reached my potential in triathlon, my businesses struggled, as a father, husband etc. Part of this was false or large expectations of myself, the other was lack of follow through. FOLLOW THROUGH. I challenged myself with my swim. I wanted to achieve something great and help raise some money to help kids get in shape etc. It was about follow through. It was about for one time I was going to see it through. Even in the excitement of the swim finish, I knew I had not followed through completely as I did not raise as much money as I would have liked to (I did not look at it as a failure this time). I am continuing on with this as a commitment to seeing it through. Do you see the theme? It truly is simple. FOLLOW THROUGH. You can do it. I will help you any way I can.
Let's get together. I will do what I can. I will support you if you opt for surgery, but what do you say we give it one more try???
Call me or I will hound your ass daily.
Pat

Anonymous said...

Chris, Never Never Never Never Ever give up.......

I will not, on me, or you.

Llew