Hope

This blog has taught me a lot in the short time I have been writing in it. There are good people out there that have their own manner in which they care.

In my triathlon club here in Baton Rouge I have recently made that realization and it was difficult to get there. In triathlon you don’t have too many 400 pounders! (I crack myself up) Therefore it is difficult for many in this sport to understand how I have let myself get to this point, BUT even more, it is difficult for them to understand why I can’t simply “fix” It.

I also learned that my past means diddly squat. All of the accomplishments mean nothing when I am in the state I am today. After taking in all of the responses to my blog post I actually feel more ashamed and feel I have dishonored my service and my military accomplishments by letting myself fall into the state I am today.

It took a few harsh responses on our BRtri blog for me to absorb that and begin to get pissed at myself AGAIN but this time for dishonoring my accomplishments and the Tab.

People care.

They show this in different ways. Some may not care about you or your struggle, but the care about the situation you are in and it might not me thoughtful care. What I mean is, care doesn’t necessarily mean concern it can also mean they care that they believe you are a piece of crap and lazy and they want everyone else to think the same, but YOU CAN ALSO CHOOSE T MAKE THAT MOTIVATIONAL.

I am no longer going to post my link on the BRtri forum. I am ONLY doing this because I enjoy little controversy about me. I like being in the back of the room. I am more inclined to b the kids are to be seen not heard, type. I know this may come as a surprise to many of you, but it is the truth. More than not the only time you will see me making a spectacle is when I am cheering for others or really pissed off. I prefer to cheer.

I met with a really awesome person, Chris last night at Starbucks. Amanda and I were excited to meet with Chris. Chris has a remarkable story and I am so inspired by his accomplishments. Among MANY issues he dealt with in his life one was his weight. We had a open, clear, and honest conversation. Chris once weighed over 350 pounds.

Let me be clear here . . . . I AM NOT LOOKING FOR YOUR SYMPATHY OR YOUR PITTY.

I am endeared to Chris. He made comments that allowed me to feel that I am not the only one. I am not alone. He spoke of his embarrassment in not being able to sit in a movie theater since he was too big for the seats. The fear of breaking a chair in a restaurant EVERYTIME he sat down, and other personal issues that came along with his obesity.

I was emotional hearing all of that and realizing that sitting in front of me was me, only the new me. Chris now weighs about 240 pounds ( I don’t remember exactly) and he looks GREAT and I can feel his now self and his new inner strength. I am so happy and proud of Chris.

After 45 minutes of talking and seeing old photos and Amanda also asking questions I left starbucks highly determined and motivated, but more than both of those, I had a sense of hope. Chris helped me find my hope again.

I don’t care if you think that is cheezey of soft. I found my hope and I am not letting it go.

To all of my BRtri peeps, you rock and I am better as a result of being in your crowd. For my friends here on the blog, thanks and let’s keep up the fight.

Find the hope.

I suck . . .

Embarrassed


When I left college I was no skinny man. I was about 245lbs. I was in very good shape since I was a student assistant coach for our National Champion Women’s Basketball team at Northern Kentucky University. My job as one of the Assistant Coaches was to let these super human women beat my butt in practice all day long. But it kept me fit.

After leaving college my business took me over and then a few years later the stock market recession of 2001-2002 took me over and before you knew it I was 350lbs. As my business expanded so did my waist . . . and my ass . . . and . . . never mind there is too much to list.

I found triathlon. I trained and did my first tri at 421lbs, which was in 2005. Between 2005 and November 2006 I completed over 25 triathlons. 10 of them being Olympic distance and the rest sprint triathlons. Over that time I went from 427lbs to 358lbs.

I created awesome relationships with awesome individuals, some who are the best at this sport and I couldn’t believe they gave me the time of day. But that to me is what makes this sport unique. The offerings of motivation from so many was spectacular. Not simply words of encouragement but true offerings to help with training, nutrition, etc.

Here is my sadness today. I fell off the wagon Dec 2006. I began to eat horribly again and I stopped training period. I have not put on my running shoes in 5 months. I have ridden my bike . . . MAYBE five times. I haven’t seen the pool. I weigh 446lbs.

I have been lying to myself and to those who have taken time out of their lives to try and help me and I have basically spit in their face with my lack of effort. I am ashamed and embarrassed. I have stopped emailing those who have helped me and I avoid them at all cost. I am ashamed to have them see me and how I look today. I am embarrassed to tell them I have done NOTHING for five months.

It is funny, not in a ha ha way, but in a translucent sick way (funny), that when we fall into a little hole we begin to dig deeper and deeper until it is so hard to get out of the hole that we don’t even try anymore. I am there and have been for a while.

To my friends, Caroline, Timbeaux, Rocketboy . . . I am sorry I have taken you motivation and shat all over it. I am angry at myself for thinking so little of your support and care. I am struggling and I am not sure what is next.

I have an appointment with the gastric-by-pass specialist here in Baton Rouge next week. I am at my wits end. I always said I would never do weight loss surgery. I said it was for weak people. You know what . . . I still think that.

I am registered for 3 races this year. Crawfishman (Olympic tri), Gulf Coast (Half Ironman), and Ironman Florida (full ironman). I am not sure what will become of those races?

I am sorry.

No excuses.

I am just sorry.

I have much love for all you and I will keep you posted as to where I go from here . . .