Friday, December 02, 2005

"The Biggest Loser"

The Biggest Loser . . .

I watch the TV show, “The Biggest Loser” and I find myself more depressed after an episode than before I watched it.

I am a fat man. However, I am not a lazy fat man. I am active. I try to eat correctly, but I fail miserably. I try and stick to a weight regiment, but I fail. The only thing I have done consistently is my triathlon training.

Tri training is brutal! I train 5 days a week, between 6 to 9 hours a week. I can run a 5k, ride 35 miles averaging 16 mph, and I literally can swim ALL DAY LONG! I burn between 900 to 1400 calories a day with training alone, however after watching the results I see in the brave souls that participate in “The Biggest loser” I begin to question the need. Not literally, but in my head. A war breaks out in my brain that questions, contrives, simulates, reasons, and regurgitates until I have fried myself and give up!

The question I am unable to answer is; why can’t I lose weight?

This war that battles out in my head continually attempts to answer that one simple question that I feel could unlock the door to my obesity, but I can answer it. But I can imagine what the answer may be.

I feel I succeed in one major category, currently, while I feel I fail miserably in two or possibly three other major categories.

Failures first:

1. Healthy, size appropriate eating.
2. Weight Training
3. Possibly, self motivation or self sabotage

I am from New Orleans Louisiana and I will tell you that there is/was currently, no city in the world that has better eating than my city. I realize Chicago, New York, and many other Mecca’s of exquisite dining will likely disagree with vigor, however for my sake of obesity I stand by my statement.

I am also from the South. In the south we have a unique style of socialization, eating. Our social scene thrives around food. Tupperware, I would assume, makes gigantic profit in the Southern Region since all we do here is gather and graze!

Combine the two elements along with my strong passion for good food and lots of it and you can see where my first failure, I feel is most detrimental to my life.

I enjoy picking up a weight and throwing it around. I am VERY strong. I play rugby. Not that that is the reason I am strong. Many times our opponents will underestimate my strength and only recognize the fat the covers the muscle. Soon they regret that miss-diagnosis.

Where the issue for me is, I am an instant gratification freak. I want it and I want it now. If there was one major issue I could change about myself, it would me that. I don’t see changes in y body that motivate me to continue the body sculpting portion of my recovery. EVEN THOUGH I RECOGNIZE IT!!!!!!

Motivation or could it me self sabotage? I don’t know how to keep myself properly motivated. I am learning one thing about myself, which is that I need results driven goals. Triathlons are an example of that. I have defined, results driven goals where, if I don’t follow through with my goals, I won’t complete the race and the one thing I never want to experience again is a DNF in a triathlon.

I also think I self sabotage my opportunities at times. If I find a situation to my disliking whether it be because of a socially uncomfortable feeling, i.e.; running in public and having the self imposed humility of wondering in the people driving by in their cars are laughing at me, or whether it is the physical sabotage, i.e.; not believing I can actually do an event or exercise because of my obesity.

That is one of the issues that fires me up the most. When I was at my highest weight of over 400 lbs I didn’t believe I could DO ANYTHING physical anymore. I had bought into society’s view of fat people. I had bought into the “laziness” idea of fat people.

If I can give one thing back to all of you that are struggling right along with me is, you can do it! Don’t believe the hype about being fat! It may not be easy in the beginning. It may down right miserable for you to just walk up and down your stairs or around the block, but you will, I promise you will get better! You are not lazy, you are sick right now. You are able to do those things society tell us we can’t. I did a triathlon at 398 lbs. I did all of them above 375 lbs. Don’t let anyone including you, tell you that you can’t.

My Success:

1. Training for my triathlons

That’s it. I get up in the mornings and I dedicate time and energy to fulfilling that goal so that I can reach higher goals with in the sport. And I think I know why and I think I know why I become more frustrated after a viewing of “The Biggest Loser”.

It has structure and most importantly, I understand it. Key there is, I truly understand it. I understand that if I am going to attempt this sort of triathlon with this distance, I need to begin training here, with this regiment, and these types of training. It is laid out for me and I have experienced it AND HAD SUCCESS at it.

As I watched the final episode, which by the way, all of many of my clients and all of my family and co-workers think I should try and do the show, including my wife. But as I watch the final episode and see the beautiful people that the participants have become, I am left empty.

Are you ready, here is my self sabotage. I feel empty because I don’t think I will ever be them. I don’t know how. I only know that I would give many things to be them and to know how they feel now. To know you will see your children grow into parents, to know you will be able to love your wife for many years to come, to know you feel beautiful now.

I feel empty because I am training so incredibly hard, but I am not seeing the results. I am empty because I don’t know how to do it . . . eat correctly. I don’t understand how to do it and I have never had success doing it, therefore I feel eternally trapped in this horrific shell and I know that is how many of us feel.

But, we have to keep fighting those battles because the more we begin to understand that we DON’T KNOW the more we will begin to learn what we need to know. It may be from trial and error, God knows that’s generally how I figure out what works and more often, what doesn’t. It may be through literature. It may be by the death of someone close to us that lost this battle, one of us may be lucky enough to go on a show like this and learn through experience and success so we can teach it to others, I DON”T KNOW, but we have to continue to fight this until we beat it.

I love each of you that read this, while I may not know you, I love you. Some might ask how? How is because, we are in a common fight together against a common enemy and when pitted against such and enemy as obesity we have a bond that is very strong and we understand the pain and fear that goes along with being fat. If a person has never been fat, they will never understand the daily and minute to minute battle we fight.

I do love you all.

So when you are watching “The Biggest Loser” or a show similar that transforms people, be happy for them, encourage them with positive thoughts, but when it effects you . . . However it does, good, bad, or indifferent . . . USE THAT! Use it to help you continue the fight. Don’t let it lead you to the refrigerator or to the phone to order Chinese delivery. Use it in your battle to beat it. I know we can.


Be Brilliant.


Jiggies said...

it IS possible, chris. You'll see...we'll all see.

Michael Pate said...

Chris your doing great! Keep up the good work and we will se who has to wear the skirt at Meat Pie.

Anonymous said...

I love you christopher. Does this mean we can't go to Cracker Barrel?
Have gained 15 pounds since Aug.
That is 2 dress sizes for a woman.
You are doing better an i because i
have never watched the show. Just skip over it on my way to the refrigerator. You are a brave man.Try again and again and again. How ever many tries it takes. Every "TRY" puts you a little closer to the goal.(it worked that way with me and cigarettes)
Hope you do get on the show.
love you, da xoxoxox

Anonymous said...

I believe in you.

Twice the Man said...

Let me know if you need any support, I am there for you man. Hopefully the venting here was enough - but I feel your anguish and can relate.